Friday evening Feb 27, 1863
This morning the Sun rose in all his splendor. After a warm, rainy, disagreeable yesterday, a bright day this has been, though the air, cold and bracing. Yesterday Mrs Warfield and Mrs. Dr. Bowling spent the day here. For dinner we had spinach and spring onions. Soon after dinner, I received an invitation to a party at Mr. Dortcher in honor of a Miss Ingram of St. Louis, a young lady who is visiting his family. I think it is a very poor time to be giving parties but “circumstances alter cases.” As they have a visitor, of course, it is their duty to try to make her enjoy herself. It was not a large party but a very pleasant one. Of course there was no other young gentlemen there but the “fireside rangers,” and I had almost as soon see so many Yankees. The only difference is, I have a “little” more respect for the latter. I said that it was a very pleasant party. So it was, at least, it seemed so to others. As for myself, I never felt less like enjoying myself in my life, but I did not think one minute, in fact I did not know that they expected to dance until after I arrived there, didn’t think about such a thing until they commenced getting up a set. Someone asked me to dance. I consented and danced nearly every set, nor did once think of what I was doing until I returned home. When Ma asked me if I danced, I answered her in the affirmative. She reproved me for my imprudence. It cut me down considerably to think that I was in deep morning for my brother, and I went to a dancing party, but the worst of all was, I participated in the dance. No one noticed it I know, but how much did that mend the matter with myself, not one little, nor did I even think of what I doing until I returned home and received my mother’s gentle reproach. Oh what would I do without my mother! I have felt so terribly since the party. I don’t feel like speaking to anyone. That is the way I always do, when I am sad I don’t want to see anyone or speak, just keep shut up within my own heart until I get over it. I wish I had known that it was going to be a dancing party when I received the invitation. Then I would have had my mother’s more sober advice, then if she had not let me gone, I could have staid at home and borne the disappointment, but I scarcely think it would have been one, but I do hope I will grow up to be a more prudent woman and not always be the rattle brain girl that I am now. I now have a kink of contempt for that party and everybody I see is asking me about that party, and of course, I have to answer them in a pleasant manner and pretend that I enjoyed it, which I did as well as I could. My heart was not there but I do not know where it was. I reckon it was like a great many of my fits, I merely felt sad, but not as much so as I do now.
I wish I could never hear of that party again, but to carry out etiquette I’ve to call on the “honored” next week and talk about the pleasant party. I despise etiquette! I heard Mrs. McKeage was going to give her a little party next Thursday. If she does and invites me, I will not go. I’ll declare I won’t!!